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Breaking the Silence ~ A Thank you in 3 parts {part 1)

Her words really made an impact on me. So much so that as we were chatting on the phone the part of my mind that I can’t seem to shut off was planning and plotting against me. My own thoughts had betrayed me and had taken alliance with someone else! I know it’s because she was right. You see, as Avril and I chatted on the phone trying to find an available date that would work for a Be-Loved {we} session (which for her is no simple feat when juggling schedules for 3 super active kids and crazy weather patterns), we got a wee bit sidetracked as we started discussing the session and subsequently my blog. I often wonder if I write enough, too much or in such a way that renders people comatose. I make excuses as to the why I didn’t blog or write about a moment that inspired me. I convince myself that no one cares, I feel like the world closes in and my efforts to right wrongs or spread happiness goes unappreciated.

Avril’s words affected me so much because they came from a place of kindness. She triggered the part of me that I’ve managed to shield for most of my life. The part of me that is vulnerable. Vulnerable is not something I do very well or even at all. I come from a long line of stoically strong willed people. It’s been a long process for me to really be okay with and to be able to sit silently within my vulnerabilities and to accept them. It is the reason why I believe I am so good at safeguarding my clients trust and vulnerabilities from behind the lens of my camera. I live vicariously through them, showing them that it’s okay to trust a stranger, be yourself and I won’t judge. This is so important to me.

Having traveled the world as a child of a Military family was a priceless education yet ironically the price that was paid is in and of itself priceless. Yes, I’ve seen things and done things that exist on many people’s bucket lists but to me it was normal. I have a passion for travel, international cuisine, customs and adventures. I’m really good at moving. I can pack a box or the trunk of any car and maximize every single square inch of space. The flip side to moving so frequently meant that relationships came and went, friendships could hardly be developed before it was time to pick up and leave again, roots were never formed and family, well my family consisted of my parents and 2 younger brothers. We left my mother’s family in Taiwan when I was 4. The first time I met my fathers family I was 6. The second time I was 15. Every move meant a new Air Force Base and a new potential identity. How to fit in, who to hang out with, are my brothers okay? Questions that I’ve asked myself more times than I care for. Looking back, well, it was exciting and adventurous and I wouldn’t trade the experience at all but I realize in this very moment how much I have paid and paid dearly for this experience. The currency was exchanged, year after year after year.

Once I got my license (in Forks Washington – for all of you Twilight fans)I was on the go. Never afraid to venture places I had never been. A Fearless traveler. We moved to Delaware, where my Dad retired and I made the 6 hour drive to Connecticut to visit my grandparents and family many times. I liked to drive at night and avoid traffic. No matter what hour of the morning I arrived it was into the open arms of my Grandmother. She would wait up for me, we would sit and talk at her table while eating smoked Kielbasa, perogies (hers are the best)and cookies. I knew to always come with an appetite because she was gonna feed me whether I was hungry or not.

Flash forward several days after my phone chat with Avril… It’s 1:00 am Thursday November 14. I’m immediately startled by the buzzing then fear radiates inside me as I wonder who it is and what they could possibly want at this hour. It’s my Dad. Of course I pick up. Nothing good comes from a late night phone call. He tells me that my grandmother has left us, peacefully in her sleep. She has gone now after several years of fighting tirelessly, she has left us to be with her friends and my grandfather. I don’t really sleep after we hang up, I need time to process.

As fate would have it this day was the day that Avril and I had set aside for their family adventure. I had a decision to make about whether or not I would be emotionally capable of shooting such an intimate vignette into a day in their lives. I questioned my ability to safeguard my vulnerability. I knew deep down inside that there would be no better way to celebrate life than to spend some time with a family celebrating their lives. I needed to do this.

I remember meeting Avril face to face that day. One of the first things she did was to say hello, wrap her arms around me offer her condolences and then she thanked me for being there especially in light of my Grandmother’s passing. I thanked her that day but I would like to thank not just Avril but also, Dan, Calin, Fionna, Alec, and Snickers. Thank you all for your beautiful spirits. Thank you for taking me on your family hike, thank you for indulging me with my games, thank you for spending a few hours, running, playing and wandering trails. Thank you for filling up my heart that day because it was close to empty. I am forever grateful for people like yourselves who engage mentally, physically and emotionally with each other. Never, ever, ever lose that. Keep each other close even when you are completely and utterly annoyed =) You are FAMILY. Thank you for finding me because I think I found a little peace of myself that afternoon.

I want to share a few images from our session that day. I love the dynamics of older brothers and younger ones. A boy and his dog, A fearless young lady and let’s not forget love. I felt like we captured it all that day. I left feeling cleansed and okay. I left knowing what I had to do. Here are a few of my favorites. To see more feel free to visit my studio page. <—– By clicking here.

Avril Family Sneaksweb-108 Avril Family Sneaksweb-101 Avril Family Sneaksweb-133 Avril Family Sneaksweb-100 Avril Family Sneaksweb-127 Avril Family Sneaksweb-130 Avril Family Sneaksweb-129 Avril Family Sneaksweb-122 Avril Family Sneaksweb-115 Avril Family Sneaksweb-111 Avril Family Sneaksweb-128 Avril Family Sneaksweb-109

 

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